Fighter

So here's the deal. I went a little crazy. Okay, a lot crazy. I gained some weight. Okay, more weight.

But, I'm back in control. One of the best ways for me to stay on track is by prepping my food for the week on Sunday. I would either throw something in the crockpot, or make cook something in the oven and I would make it last for the week. I would have all my breakfasts measured out and all my fruit washed and put in containers.

I would also work out 4-5 times a week. If I missed a day, no big deal. I still would have 4 days under my belt.

What happened to change that? I don't know. I thought I was fine. I thought that I could watch what I ate but not worry about points (or calories). I got really caught up in how many miles I was running, instead of the fact that I was running and working out.

I had a pity party this weekend and hated myself. I hated that I had to watch everything I put in my mouth. I hated that I had to workout. I hated that it felt like I was on a diet for the past 20+ years and I just wanted to not worry about it for once in my life.

But, I realize that isn't possible. I wasn't blessed with a fast metabolism. I'm going to have to watch everything I put in my mouth and track it. I'm going to have to workout 4, 5, 6 days a week if I want the body I want.

I realize it's okay to have a slip up once in awhile. But, don't let it turn into 2 days, 5 days, a week, a month, etc. Because I do not want to have to lose 100 pounds a 3rd time. It's tiring and hard and I think doing it twice is enough.

And I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I want my child to have one, too. I do not want to teach my child to use food as a crutch like I have do.  I'm very aware that I am an emotionally eater and I will always will be.

But sometimes it's better to go work out the stress at the gym after work, instead of coming home and eating a cake.

I have to remember it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle and it always will be. I love eating healthy. I love working out. I love how I feel when I walk out of the gym knowing that I did something good for my body.

I know that I will always have the highs and lows of weight loss. I know the scale is an evil bitch and I won't let her control my self worth. I also know that I need to weigh myself weekly in order to make sure I'm on track. I know I can go by how my clothes fit, but the scale helps, too.

That is my insight from this week. I worked out once. I ran 3 miles and felt shitty about it. But it was 3 miles I didn't run 3 years ago. And even though I have gained weight and I had to dig out some older clothes, the weight will come off.

I'm a fighter. And I'll keep fighting.

It's not that I can't, I don't.

I've been reading over my old blog posts. And trying to figure out how I managed to go from 240 pounds in March of 2010 to 157 by May of 2011. Almost an 85 pounds weight loss. Which for me is pretty good.

And what what it? Not worrying so much about the scale. Not eating CRAP food or drinking diet soda. Counting my points. Oh, and exercise.

Weight Watchers works for me. But, only when I actually follow the plan.

Yes, I know we're trying to get pregnant and I shouldn't worry so much about my weight, but it could a few more months before I get pregnant. I would love to be 170 pounds when that happened.

So I've been pretty MIA lately because I've been eating badly. And my exercise isn't all that great. This weekend I ran 10 miles (5 miles both Saturday and Sunday) and I felt awesome about it. But, that didn't stop me from stuffing my face with junk food.

I just need to remember "I don't eat that" when I go to grab a cookie or a candy or whatever. It's not that I can't eat it, I don't. Because I know my body and if I keep it up, I'm going to be back to where I was 2 and  a half years ago.

I need to start blogging more and exercising more and tracking my points. I need to start making Sunday the day I cook my meals for the week and not worry about lunch when I'm at work.

I can do this.

Tired

That pretty much sums it up right now.

Nutty

I'm not weighing myself again until the day before we leave for Florida. I'm starting to get a little nutty over numbers again. That is the plus about doing this at home. I can do that and not worry.

My exercise went to hell this week. I haven't been to the gym since Monday.

Change is a coming.  Mark my words.

They stink

I finally saw my doctor on Monday and was able to tell her the news about the husband and I trying to conceive. I know I have said this before, but I LOVE my doctor. I really do. I think I'm one of the luckiest people in the world when I say that. She is amazing.

She never once criticized me about my weight when I was obese. Both times. The second time I lost the weight and came to see her (I was around 160 I believe) she proceeded to lead me around the office and show me to all the nurses and staff and tell them what I had done.

So, when I saw her yesterday and that I had gained some weight, she didn't blink an eye. She looked at my chart and at me and said "If you hadn't told me, I wouldn't have noticed. You look great. Besides, you'll lose it. You are the perfectly healthy patient that every doctor wishes they could have. Your blood pressure is perfect (110/70) your resting heart rate is fantastic (60) and you take amazing care of yourself. 20 extra pounds is no big deal. I want to hire you and show to every patient that comes into the office so they can see weight loss can be achieved".

Blink. Blink. Blink. That was kind of what I did when she said that to me.

See why I love her? I would follow her all over the state. And I sort of had. This is the 3rd practice she has been at and I go with her when she moves. I just love her that much. I trust her. She isn't a pill pusher. She listens. I feel like she "gets" me. You know?

I told her that we're trying to conceive and she was so excited. She suggested I start taking a prenatal vitamin. I'm not getting enough calcium, so I need to up that. And, unfortunately, I'm going to have to find an OB/GYN when I get pregnant because she's not. I'm going to see who the work bestie used for her pregnancy.

Let me just tell you those prenatal vitamins? They stink.Something fierce. Holy hell. And I'm trying to up my calcium. I just don't drink milk. So it's going to have to be some sort of cheese or yogurt. I'm working on that.

The eating and exercise is going well. I worked out Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I took today as a rest day. I was beat last night. I went to bed at 8:45pm.

Hard to believe tomorrow is already Wednesday. This week is flying by.

Three hours

Last night my sister and I went to see Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean in concert with a friend. It was so much fun!! Except for this:

We sat in this for THREE HOURS! Yes, I said THREE HOURS! For what, I couldn't tell you. It wasn't for the concert because once we got off the exit there wasn't anymore traffic. So what would have normally been a 20-25 minute drive took THREE HOURS! We left early, too. And missed 30 minutes of the show. We only missed one Luke Bryan song.

Luke is awesome. Love me some Luke.

Back to the three hours of traffic. I'm so glad I filled my purse with snacks. Us ladies were starving. STARVING! I was passing food all around the car. Seriously. WOW!

So, I've been back to counting points now for 3 days and I'm down 3 pounds. It's a big weight off my shoulders already to not see that horrible number on the scale. I know I'm worth more, but it's still scary to see it creeping back up there.

Last night while we were sitting in the seats at the concert I remember how not that long ago I didn't fit in those seats and I was so grateful for how far I've come. And I also remembered how walking from the car to the venue wasn't too easy for me. Now? No big deal.

So, I'm going to continue to keep counting points and working out and see what happens. We're still trying to get pregnant and when I do I'll stop worrying about my weight.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday (that I swear better NOT get rescheduled again) and I look forward to talking to her about my baby plans.